1. The Humour of the Situation

As you walked in
I said with a grin
That we were just talking about you
We all had to lie
Because you would cry
If you knew we were laughing at you...

Come on, now, now: enjoy the humour of the situation

The Barenaked Ladies


Scene 1 - The House, morning

The House -- what we see of it, anyway -- is one large room. In the center sits a large sofa, flanked by a chair at a right angle to each side. Standing in the middle of them is a coffee table. As is usual, the table is covered with some garbage -- empty fast food cups and wrappers, that sort of thing. We also see two video game console controllers amidst the trash, the cords stretching down to the floor toward the front of the stage and the television, which we can't see.

Behind the living room area, and the back of the stage, there is a hallway leading to the rest of the house (bathrooms, bedrooms, etc.). The doorway to the kitchen dominates the left side; the front door stands to the right.

As we begin, ANGELA is lying on the couch asleep. She's curled up and using her jacket -- a high school letter jacket, from the looks of it -- as a pillow.

After a moment of stillness, a door opens and closes offstage, and MICHAEL walks from the hallway and heads through into the kitchen. We hear him bustling around in there -- doors opening, bottles clinking -- doors closing. A moment later, he steps out of the kitchen with a bottle of water in his hand, heading for the door.

As he passes the couch, he stops...looks down...

MICHAEL: ...Angela? Angela?

ANGELA: Huh...what...

MICHAEL: Angela, wake up.

ANGELA: ...Oh, hey, Mike.

MICHAEL: Hey.

ANGELA: What time is it?

MICHAEL: About seven-thirty.

ANGELA: Ah. Guess I fell asleep.

MICHAEL: Yeah.

ANGELA: Where you going?

MICHAEL: Oh, I was gonna catch some breakfast before class.

ANGELA: Cool.

MICHAEL: You fall asleep playing a game or something?

ANGELA: Uh...yeah. I must have. Can't really remember.

MICHAEL: Heh, yeah?

ANGELA: Yeah. Weird, huh?

MICHAEL: Yeah, weird.

ANGELA: Yeah.

A moment of silence.

MICHAEL: Yeah. ...That's, like...three nights in a row you've slept here.

ANGELA: Oh...really?

MICHAEL: Yeah.

ANGELA: That...that can't be right.

MICHAEL: It is. Three nights in a row.

ANGELA: Are...are you sure?

MICHAEL: I saw you on Saturday morning, Louis told me you were crashed here when he got home Sunday morning.

ANGELA: Oh.

MICHAEL: Then today.

ANGELA: Yeah. Wow, I guess so.

MICHAEL: Is everything all right?

ANGELA: Oh -- yeah, everything's fine.

Michael sits in the left chair.

MICHAEL: Fighting with the roommate?

ANGELA: No, no. ...Not exactly.

MICHAEL: What happened?

ANGELA: Well...

At this point, VANESSA enters from the right. She follows Angela's description of her actions.

ANGELA: Vanessa came home early from work the other day...Friday. She came in, flopped down on the couch, right, just sits there, doesn't say anything.

MICHAEL: Yeah.

ANGELA: So, after a minute, I ask her: "What are you doing home so early?"

VANESSA: Huh?

Angela is now talking to Vanessa, rather than Michael.

ANGELA: What are you doing home so early?

VANESSA: ...What do you mean?

ANGELA: It's one o'clock.

VANESSA: Yeah...yeah, it is.

ANGELA: ...You get off at five on Fridays.

VANESSA: Uh...yeah. Well, I decided to leave early.

ANGELA: Decided.

VANESSA: Well...it was...suggested I go home.

ANGELA: Oh, fuck, Vanessa...

VANESSA: Wait--

ANGELA: You got fired again, didn't you?

VANESSA: I did not get fired! ...Not really.

ANGELA: "Not really?"

VANESSA: I've been suspended.

ANGELA: Suspended? ...What did you do?

VANESSA: You automatically assume I did something?

ANGELA: Vanessa!

VANESSA: I...broke a window.

ANGELA: A window?

VANESSA: It was an accident.

ANGELA: ...Not the window? The big window at the front of the store?

VANESSA: That's the one.

ANGELA: You were telling me the other day that Griffins spent...wait a minute, that window is, like, an inch thick, how did you break it?

VANESSA: ...My car.

ANGELA: You drove through the front of the store?!

VANESSA: It was an accident!

ANGELA: I don't believe this.

VANESSA: It's not that bad...

ANGELA: Vanessa! You drove your car into a pharmacy! And you've just lost your third job in the last...what, six months?!

VANESSA: I did not get fired! Suspended!

ANGELA: For how long?

VANESSA: Well. ...Indefinitely.

ANGELA: Indefinitely.

VANESSA: Yeah. That's what Griffins said. "Indefinitely."

ANGELA: Which is not the same as being fired.

VANESSA: Right.

ANGELA: They told you to leave.

VANESSA: Yeah.

ANGELA: And not to come back.

VANESSA: Yeah.

ANGELA: You won't be getting paid.

VANESSA: No.

ANGELA: And they'll hire someone else to replace you.

VANESSA: Probably.

ANGELA: Yeah, see, I've been fired before, and that's what happened.

VANESSA: Look, it's not that bad.

ANGELA: Of course not. Not at all. Hell, it's not a problem, it's a challenge!

VANESSA: I'm going to go look for a job on Monday.

ANGELA: Good, because...wait, why Monday? Go right now, it's only one o'clock.

VANESSA: Well, David and I are going to go out.

ANGELA: Go out.

VANESSA: Yeah, he's on his way.

A horn honks offstage.

VANESSA: There he is. Catch you later.

She runs off, then stops...

VANESSA: Oh, do you think you could spot me some of the money for the electric bill? I think I'm going to be a little short. [honk honk] Gotta go. Bye!

She leaves.

Michael laughs uproariously...then stops on Angela's look.

MICHAEL: I...I guess that's really not funny.

ANGELA: No.

A moment, then they both start laughing at the same time.

MICHAEL: She really drove through the front window?

ANGELA: Yeah, I drove by there on Friday afternoon before I came here.

MICHAEL: Damn.

ANGELA: Yeah.

MICHAEL: So...what are you doing here?

ANGELA: Huh?

MICHAEL: I mean, you clearly don't want to go home, but how long are you planning on crashing here?

ANGELA: Well--

MICHAEL: Not that we mind, but...

ANGELA: Yeah. ...I really don't know. I just can't have a conversation with Vanessa right now.

MICHAEL: You need a new roommate.

ANGELA: I guess.

MICHAEL: You guess? She's been through eight jobs in the last year.

ANGELA: I know.

MICHAEL: Nine, if you count that stupid pyramid scheme she fell for. "Get paid for answering surveys on the internet!"

ANGELA: They had a very persuasive sales pitch.

MICHAEL: Angela -- seriously, you need to get away from her.

ANGELA: Yeah. But I can't afford to live by myself. And I don't know anybody else.

MICHAEL: ...Yeah...

ANGELA: What?

MICHAEL: You could live here.

ANGELA: What? On the couch? Thanks, but no thanks.

MICHAEL: No, I mean...we've been -- don't tell anyone I told you this, it's supposed to be secret.

ANGELA: Yeah.

MICHAEL: We're talking about giving Louis the boot.

ANGELA: Really? Why? [pause] ...Oh.

MICHAEL: Yeah.

ANGELA: Stephanie.

MICHAEL: Yeah.

ANGELA: Is she really that annoying?

MICHAEL: You have no idea.

ANGELA: Oh.

MICHAEL: There are other reasons, too, but...

ANGELA: Yeah.

MICHAEL: Anyway, right now the vote is 2-2. Jason and I want him gone, but Rebecca and Patrick are worried we won't be able to get anyone else to fill the room, and everyone's rent will go up.

ANGELA: But with me...

MICHAEL: Solves that problem.

ANGELA: Huh.

MICHAEL: Yeah. Anyway, I'll talk to everyone else. ...I mean, if you want me to.

ANGELA: Uh...yeah. Sure.

MICHAEL: Certainly beats living with Vanessa.

ANGELA: Yeah.

MICHAEL: Well, gotta go. Oh, you want to come?

ANGELA: Oh, no, I'm fine. Thanks.

MICHAEL: See ya.

He leaves. Angela sits in silence for another moment.

Then: PATRICK enters from the hallway.

PATRICK: Hey, girl.

ANGELA: Hey, Patrick.

PATRICK: Good lord, are you living here now?

ANGELA: I'm...not sure.


Scene 2, that evening

Patrick and REBECCA are on the couch, each with controller in hand, frantically competing at a video game on the off-stage television. JASON is sprawled across the right chair, pecking at the keyboard of his laptop computer, occasionally glancing at the game. They're talking, but we don't hear them, except for the occasional loud outburst.

Angela is leaning against the wall that leads to the kitchen, talking on a cellular phone.

ANGELA: I told you, Mom, nothing is decided yet. ... Well, they still haven't decided to kick the old guy out yet. ... When Michael gets home. ... Yes, you've met Michael, Mom. They all went to school together. ... No, high school. ... He's going to Bazemore, for criminal justice. ... You know, I never asked, actually. I don't think he wants to be a cop, but I'm not sure. ... Because it never came up. ... Yes, we talk, but it never came up.

PATRICK: Die, Satan spawn!

ANGELA: What? ... Oh, that was Patrick. ... No, he and Rebecca are playing a game. ... Yes, that Patrick. ... No, they're just friends. ... Yes, I think so, too. But they don't. ... I'm not setting anyone up with anyone, Mom. They're perfectly happy as friends, I'm not going to-- ... That's right.

Jason gets up and heads into the kitchen.

REBECCA: I just shot you in the head, why didn't you die?

PATRICK: Because the game hates you.

ANGELA: Yes, they're still going to Bazemore, too, and before you ask, I don't know what they're going to school for. ... We don't talk about it. ... All right, Mom, I'll pass around a questionnaire and get all that information for you, okay? "Are you now or have you ever been--" ... Okay, I'm sorry for making fun of you.

Jason comes out of the kitchen with a pair of sodas in his hands. He gives one to Angela, who mouths "Thank you." He stands around for a moment.

ANGELA: Patrick still has his band, Soda Lake. ... No, Soda Lake. ... I'm not sure.

Angela waits patiently while her mother speaks. Jason makes mocking "blah blah" hand gestures and facial expressions. Angela tries very hard -- and fails -- to not laugh.

ANGELA: Stop it. [to phone] No, I was talking to Jason, Mom. He was misbehaving. And he's going to stop now, isn't he?

Jason fakes a pout and heads back to his computer. As he passes the TV...

PATRICK and REBECCA: Get out of the way!

ANGELA: ...Hmm? Oh, yes, it's Jason's house. Well, it's his dad's house, but his dad's in Florida. ... He lives there.

PATRICK: Hey, you're watching my screen! Screenwatcher!

REBECCA: I was not, I was watching mine.

PATRICK: It was mine.

JASON: Technically, it's mine.

REBECCA and PATRICK: Shut up!

The front door opens. Michael enters.

MICHAEL: All right, quick, let's do this, before he gets back.

ANGELA: Oh, gotta go, Mom. Mike's back. I'll call you later. Love you.

Angela disconnects her call. Patrick and Rebecca pause the game and put their controllers down. Throughout the following conversation, Patrick, Rebecca and Jason remain seated. Michael paces the floor behind the couch, while Angela stands near the kitchen, trying to stay out of the way. She comes forward slightly when it's her turn to speak.

REBECCA: Yes, please, let's get this over with.

PATRICK: So you're actually suggesting we just kick Louis out on to the street?

MICHAEL: Well, it's not like he has nowhere to go.

JASON: Yeah, he's always talking about his mom wanting him to come back home.

MICHAEL: Failing that, he could always go back to Stephanie.

REBECCA: Oh, you're really going to use Stephanie as an excuse to kick Louis out?

MICHAEL: It's not an "excuse" insomuch as it is a "perfectly valid reason."

JASON: She is annoying as hell.

REBECCA: The woman has a legitimate psychological condition.

MICHAEL: Yes, she does, and so will I if I have to deal with her much longer.

PATRICK: But she doesn't even come over here that often.

JASON: Not when you're here, she doesn't.

MICHAEL: But she has a bad habit of arriving at two o'clock in the morning and trying to enter through Louis's window.

JASON: Only her sense of the house's layout is skewed and she ends up in my window.

Patrick laughs.

REBECCA: Okay. The woman is a nutcase. Fine. But...guys, we've been friends with Louis since junior high. Are we really just going to dump him on his ass?

PATRICK: Yeah. I mean...

He trails off in laughter, then turns to Jason.

PATRICK: She came through your fucking window? When was this?

JASON: Last week.

PATRICK: Just dropped in?

JASON: Scared the hell out of me. I would have shot her, if I had a gun. And I wasn't, you know, a pacifist.

MICHAEL: You were saying something?

PATRICK: Huh? Yeah -- he's been our friend for a long time. And I know that his ex-girlfriend is a psycho. And I know that he pays his portion of his bills whenever it suits him.

REBECCA: And he is kind of a jerk sometimes.

JASON: More than sometimes.

REBECCA: Okay, yeah, but--

MICHAEL: Rebecca, I know we've been friends since junior high. But I would like to think we've all matured to some extent since 1997. And I don't think Louis has, to be honest.

REBECCA: ...Yeah, okay, maybe.

PATRICK: No, I gotta agree on that one. He a twenty-one-year-old fourteen-year-old. I mean, honestly, have you ever met another human who thought farts were as funny as he does?

MICHAEL: And if I hear the phrase, "Dude, that's so gay," one more fucking time...

REBECCA: Okay, you made your point. But look, I just don't feel right about kicking out one of our oldest friends. And, hey, Angela, nothing against you.

ANGELA: No, I understand. Really. I'd feel kinda guilty about leaving Vanessa by herself. I mean, Michael, it was a good thought, but if you guys don't really want to kick Louis out, it's okay--

JASON: No, Angela, it's not. Look, Rebecca, here is Angela. She's our friend, too, right?

REBECCA: Of course.

JASON: And Patrick, Angela is your friend, right?

PATRICK: Yeah.

JASON: Our friend needs help. Her roommate is selfish and idiotic and abusive. Meanwhile, we have a friend who is abusing our friendship, taking advantage of our relationship so he can live responsibility-free and torment us with his flatulent humor and Helen Keller jokes and his psychotic ex-girlfriend. Now, we have a solution here. We can fix this situation.

MICHAEL: Angela moves in.

JASON: Louis moves out.

MICHAEL: And we all live much happier, pain- and flatulence-free.

REBECCA: Jason, I see your point. I saw it when we had this conversation last week. And Angela, I'm sorry that Vanessa is a twit. But...guys, it's Louis. He's one of the Five. Maybe we've grown apart a little bit, but...dammit...

PATRICK: Yeah. I don't know if I would feel right throwing him out all of the sudden like this.

REBECCA: Yeah.

The front door opens and LOUIS enters, carrying a video game case.

LOUIS: Hey, peoples. Look what I got -- Playboy: The Mansion. Who's with me?

PATRICK and REBECCA: I change my vote.


Scene 3, two days later

The room is empty for a moment, the front door open. Three boxes are stacked near the door. Then Jason, Michael and Angela enter, each carrying a box. They set them down next to the others. The front door stays open.

ANGELA: And that's the whole load.

JASON: All right.

The three of them migrate over to the couch.

MICHAEL: I still don't see how you managed to cram everything you own into six boxes.

ANGELA: I moved thirteen times between my fifth birthday and my eighteenth. I know how to pack. That, and all of the furniture was Vanessa's.

JASON: She's gonna be all right?

ANGELA: Oh. Sure. Yeah. She'll be fine.

MICHAEL: Haven't told her yet?

ANGELA: Not so much, no.

JASON: She's not going to be upset?

ANGELA: Frankly, I don't think she'll notice for a week or two. Then she'll either convince one of her other friends to move in or she'll crawl back home to her father. Either way, I think I've ceased caring.

JASON: We could give her Louis's phone number.

ANGELA: Oh, is Louis all right? Have you talked to him?

MICHAEL: Yeah, he calmed down after he left and got drunk.

JASON: And Patrick wanted to thank you for telling him about the steak thing, his black eye's cleared up almost totally now.

ANGELA: Can't believe you guys have never heard that.

She grabs a couple of the boxes.

ANGELA: Well, I'm taking this stuff to my new room.

JASON: I'll help.

ANGELA: No, I got it, Jason. Still have to figure out where I'm putting all this crap.

JASON: Suit yourself.

He watches her as she walks out of the room. Michael turns to Jason.

MICHAEL: Well, I'm late for class.

JASON: Yeah...

MICHAEL: You're welcome, by the way.

JASON: For what?

MICHAEL: Angela's living here.

JASON: And?

MICHAEL: That was my idea.

JASON: Yeah. I know. What?

Michael just smiles.

JASON: What?

MICHAEL: Maybe she hasn't figured it out, but everyone else has.

JASON: ...I...I don't know--

MICHAEL: Course you don't.

He makes for the front door. On his way out...

JASON: Thank you.

MICHAEL: Any time.

He leaves.

Angela comes back in.

ANGELA: Michael go to class?

JASON: Yeah.

She grabs another box and heads for the hallway.

JASON: Angela...

ANGELA: Yeah?

JASON: ...Welcome home.

Angela takes a look around the room.

ANGELA: Thanks.

She exits. Jason watches after her for a second, then walks over and closes the door.